Lock Me Up For Life
(Keane - Bedshaped)

I am the world’s biggest dumbass.

I submit Article A...

I was driving over to Mark’s house on Saturday to pick him up to go to Tom’s birthday dinner. While driving there I noticed a scraping noise in my wheel well. So when I get to Mark’s place, I get out of the car and check the wheel wells. I bend over and use my snow brush to remove all the ice from the well. I get back into the car and wait for Mark to come out of his house. He gets out and we head to dinner. After dinner I can’t find my cell phone and finally figured I must have dropped it when I was checking out my car at Mark’s place. We drive back to his house and find it lying in the driveway. The LCD is no longer working since I ran it over when I backed out. $370 later, I have a new cell phone.

...and Article B...

I went to have ribs yesterday after work with Sonia. Knowing full well I had a white dress shirt on, I was careful not to splash any sauce on my shirt throughout dinner. However, we ordered too much and had to get containers for the remaining ribs and wings leftover. While moving wings from one full container to an empty one, I drop the wing on my shirt and pants.

I rest my case.